It was a cold dark day, colder than other days. I reached for my laptop and began to open it as my hands were shaking. I was trembling with fear as I opened up the internet browser. The internet connection was acting up and while I was forced to wait for google to open, the same tormenting thoughts plagued me.
Am I pregnant? What if I am? I can’t have this kid. My parents will kill me. I will kill me.
These morbid thoughts followed me around the past few days as I had just missed my period. It had been 14 days since my last cycle should have started.
I knew something was up, that something was different since I had just had unprotected sex a couple of times with a friend I wasn’t even speaking to anymore.
As I typed the words “What to do if I’m pregnant”, I was frantically searching for a solution to this madness I was experiencing. The past 14 days since I had missed my period were filled with fear, doubt, and confusion.
I felt like I already knew that I was possibly pregnant. I just needed answers if I actually was and what I would do if I was. That’s where Birth Choice of the Desert popped up on my searching.
I gravitated towards the words free “pregnancy support center” as well as “safe and caring environment” in the description on google and quickly called the number listed.
There I was greeted with a young woman who was very soft, gentle, and most importantly calm with me.
“I think I might be pregnant but I am not sure and I don’t know what to do and I am so scared. I don’t know what to do at all and I need help. Please help me.”
I rattled off these words in a rush and panic and gave no thought to who was even on the other line. It was the same words that I had uttered out loud to myself, shouting out to a God if there even was one that existed. I didn’t have a relationship with Him but if He did exist, this was the time that I needed Him.
After sharing these words, the woman assured me that I had came to the right place and that my distressing thoughts and experiences were valid and that I was safe and not judged. I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that I was not going to be alone as I navigated this. I needed to feel loved. Most importantly, my fears around not believing in a God at that time were also squelched as they didn’t care about my faith, they only cared about my safety and wanted to love and support me through this process.
I went in, received the pregnancy test, and found out that I was pregnant. I broke down the second I found out. I felt a weight of heaviness in my heart and my bones ached. I let out a loud sob and gut wrenching cry as my counselor sat patiently with me, being with me as I processed the news that I just didn’t want to face or accept. Her presence gave me permission to just be and let out all of the pain that I had been holding in.
I knew that I couldn’t keep this baby. I was only 15, with an unstable home environment, a poor relationship with my parents, and dreams to still hopefully go to college. I knew I wasn’t best fit to be a mom. I just couldn’t bare to bring another life into the world when I was ill equipped to parent.
Luckily though the Birth Choice team helped me by discussing with me options. They sat patiently with me through it all, educating me about the risks and benefits of all my choices.
I admit, when I first found out I was truly pregnant, all of me wanted to abort. I saw no way out except to just not go through with it. I didn’t want anyone to find out that I had unprotected sex either, especially my family but at the same time, it was the support of the agency that helped me shift my mindset towards appreciating and honoring the sanctity of life, of my child and that choosing adoption was still a win win situation-both for my life and my child’s life.
By choosing adoption I could still go to college and build a better life than I had but I could still honor my child’s life. Taking this route though wasn’t easy and came with its difficulties. I still was riddled with shame and guilt because of the choices of my past. I still felt awful, dirty, and afraid of being judged. However, Birth Choice helped me heal on a soul level where I felt still loved and cared for despite my past. They made me realize that I was still worthy of life, of love, of connection. They made me realize that I was neither my past mistakes nor poor choices. It was my experience with them that made me realize that maybe there was God.
Today, I am grateful to report that I am on my way to college and believe still in going after my dreams. I still have yet to figure out what exactly those are, but I know I am on the right step by committing to taking the first step: attending college. I also have hope that maybe one day I can rekindle and be a part of my kid’s life but I know I made the right decision, a decision that I can be at peace with.